Ironman 100th Anniversary

Kailua-Kona, Hawaii- Thursday, October 20, 2078. Here on the Little Island, the excitement continues to build for this 100^th Anniversary of the Microsoft Ironman Triathlon World Championship. Nostalgia reigns as the athletes continue to pour into Kona Interplanetary Airport to take part in what has become one of the last sprint triathlons on Earth. With the advent of 5 day and 10 day triathlons over the last 50 years, the shorter Iron-Distance events have all but vanished. The Ironman Hawaii has carried on perhaps because it was the first of its kind.  Year after year it has resisted efforts by youth-orientated marketing groups to force additional disciplines like pedal-kayaking, human-kiting, and wind-luge.  An obviously exasperated Ironman race director once replied during a hologrammed press conference. "What do you think this is, the Anti-Gravity Z Games? Hey, I wish you expletive deleted droids could count.  Tri means three, not six."

Most of the elite European athletes will take the 30-minute low-orbit shuttle flight and arrive later today. While many of the Germans have openly stated that they’ve reluctantly departed from their ultra-long-extended-stage course training to help celebrate this historic retro-event, some have privately admitted that the billion dollar prize money was their real motivation, and as usual, they intend to win the race on the airbike. The AussieKiwi National team has remained a non-factor since the early 2000’s leaving the Chicago Cubs as the only global sports team with a longer streak of non-championship seasons, now at over 200 years. The American contingent is led by Spencer Smith III, who still lives and trains in the 55^th state of Britain instead of at altitude in the 51^st state of Mexico with the rest of the US squad.

The list of entrants reads like a veritable who’s who in triathlon. The great-grandsons of their namesakes, the long-ago stars Mark Allen and Dave Scott, will likely duke it out on the Queen K for the 20-24 age group title in a remake of their forefather’s historic battle. Of particular note is the sentimental favorite, a reconstituted Tim DeBoom who benefited from the boom in anti-aging research in 2020 and is now seeking a record 44^th IM title as he ages up to the 100-104’s. Sarah Bowden-Reid-Newby-Fraser looks primed to repeat as the women’s overall champ before the approving nods of all 8 great-great grandparents who will be on hand. Her fiancé, the German National Champion, Dieter Zack-Hellrigel promises  he will win a podium spot,  take his vows with her at the finish line, and drop a few surnames. The men’s title will likely go to one of the many Kenyans who have dominated the sport since the late 50’s.  They became proficient swimmers when they were forced to sink or swim as global warming brought the "10 Year Rain" to their homeland.  Four have managed sub 2 hour Ironman marathons this season.  Kip Keino, the prohibitive favorite, should go under 6 hours again.  The Confederation of China will send its sole representative, as usual.  Most in the sport are still perplexed how a country with 3 billion people can produce only one triathlete.  Legend has it that he wouldn't even be here if it hadn't been for his unknown American pro-triathlete father's illegal indiscretion with a Chinese volunteer during the Ride The Great Wall Bike Race.

A bit of debate has been stirred up with the admittance of cloned team-entries into this year’s race. Despite objections by Traditionalists, lamenting a loss of the now nostalgic human-only ideal, the Technoids won on an appeal to IM-ITU-USAT-USOC czar Les McDonald IV. Clones have long been banned only from individual entry at Ironman but the three-person team entries are comprised by them almost exclusively. McDonald made the call, it was later revealed, after repeated surreptitious attempts by the Gen-Clone Conglomerate to transfer 1 billlion credits to his personal debit account for a favorable decision.  One resultant storyline of his decision is that of the dred-locked triple-clone team, Cam Widoffs 5, 6, and 7 who are managed and coached by Cam 4 (non-clone).  The foursome was seen yesterday during the Underwear Run down Alii Drive wearing "Will race for Chromosones" t-shirts. 

The individual entrants have tolerated random clone-testing for years by a series of militant race directors who have vowed to keep this event pure. It has been suggested that race officials were also influenced in no small measure by pressure from Traditionalist HVN President Roone Arledge VI and his hundred-trillion dollar broadcast rights. The Hologram Vision Network broadcast will reach 5 billion homes this weekend. Those who may still using the old  high-definition TVs will be unable to descramble the three dimensional signal. With state of the art broadcast company HVN,  viewers have always been able to keep tabs on any athlete’s heart rate, respiration, and core temperature, but for the 100^th, the network will reach the cellular level with brainwave, oxygen uptake, lactic acid, and ATP monitors for the viewers as well.

In last year's scandal-marred swim leg, three athletes from the recently independent country of Atlantis were disqualified when changing room officials found small, subtle gills on the swimmers during an inspection. They may have gone undiscovered if not for the suspicion the athletes aroused by posting 20 minute swim times in the 2.4 mile leg. Race Director, John Collins III insists no mermen will slip through this year and sully his race.

Hardcore fans will be able to live the race at any of the MDot Gym locations. Race Simu-Rooms will fully recreate the environmental conditions, complete with currents, sun, heat, humidity, and wind for these virtual racers who will compete with each other around the world in real time using CompuPools, CompuBikes, and CompuTreads.  One long-time user of this interface remarked, "I've stopped trying to qualify for that race atomic time-units ago.  The Simu-Room delivers me to my pod in time for 1800 hours nutrient ingestion."

Demand for entry has been so high, that it set off a flurry of auction activity on both Yeeha and GBay. The practice of selling one’s slot, once outlawed, was reinstated after litigants successfully sued for the right. They eventually conceded though, to retinal scanning, which allows race officials to confirm the identity of all participants and weed out race bandits.

We'll be there Saturday for the pre-dawn dermal-electrode implants.  It is said that some athletes may bring ink dispensers to more fully recreate last century' curious race routine of marking their bodies.  In any event, good luck to all the racers. end of report